The horror! The horror! Canada frozen out of the playoffs

The only other time a Canadian team didn't make the playoffs, another Trudeau was prime minister. Coincidence?

NEW YORK April 3, 2016/ Troy Media/ – As I type through my tears and the page blurs beneath my gaze, I must find the strength to carry on and document these times so that future generations will know how we suffered but remained strong in the darkest days of our Dominion.

I know not at what time or place in human history you, gentle reader, will pick up my humble scribbling; I know not if the character of your future world arose due to the collapse of this present one in which I live and work. Know only that we reach out to you across the rivers of time and offer our hopes and prayers that you have rebuilt and risen from the rubble we created.

Let it be known that, in the year of our Lord 2016, no Canadian teams qualified for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I can assure you that the guilt for this sin is borne by Canadians both young and old. We will be burned by this devil’s mark for the rest of our days.

From East to West and sea to sea to sea, from the disputed Northwest Passage to the porous terrorist border crossings at the U.S. frontier, a forbidding gloom has descended upon the land.

Maple syrup has lost its sweetness and Newfoundland Screech its power to instill wisdom. 24 Sussex remains abandoned and the will to ever renovate it may be slipping away. In an attempt to uplift, a Mississauga resident was reminded that Canadians still have the Blue Jays. After staring off into the distance, the sad soul replied, “I guess.”

It has been told by vagabond concession workers wandering the back roads that occasional rudeness and impoliteness have flared. Vancouverites have doused themselves in herbal tea before attempting self-immolation. Self-doubt and humility have been witnessed in Ontario though these reports are unsubstantiated.

I weep for the children and overweight, unshaven, middle-aged men. Their hockey jerseys – once worn with pride and passion – are now tattered garments of shame and disgrace. I pray that in the coming weeks, they will be consigned to a cleansing fire so that whatever evil power they have can be wiped from the earth. It has been revealed that the necessary permits are now available at Canadian Tire.

It had been 46 long years – in a time lost to misty memory – since a similar cataclysm befell us. It was a time of legend and was believed that such catastrophe would never return. As the year 1970 was pre-Internet, no record exists of how people lived in those long-ago times. We are not even sure what they looked like as the selfie had not yet been bestowed unto them.

The one shred of information we can gather is that, more than a little suspiciously, the leader in those days was the father of our current prime minister. Not only do they share the name of Trudeau but also a popularity with women, small animals and foreigners.

They also share passing similarities of visage though are different in manner and style. It cannot be coincidence that destiny and fate chose the reigns of both father and son to visit upon us this pestilence. Not all in the population have made the connection but it does provoke conjecture over what family sin has so angered the hockey gods. Alas, that secret remains unknown to us.

It is certain that no blame will be visited upon Trudeau le fils. So complete is the hold of Justin the Kind over his subjects that this bitter NHL travesty can easily be blamed as a remnant of consequence, an echo, left over from the darkest days of Stephen the Ogre.

You may wonder how we survived while I still wonder if we will. I cannot see the future. But I do know that the coming days and nights will be filled with sober talk of climate change and Chinooks, of Canadian values and sunny ways. We shall not curse the darkness (or cheer for the Rangers) but instead light a candle to ensure our way forward.

Nah, just kidding, we’ll obsess about the World Cup.

Troy Media columnist Gavin MacFadyen is a Canadian writer and lawyer living in New York state. Gavin is also included in Troy Media’s Unlimited Access subscription plan.


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