First draft of Trump’s nomination acceptance speech

Something along these lines should work for him

NEW YORK July 17, 2016/ Troy Media/ – As Republicans gather for their national convention in Cleveland, I am providing presumptive nominee Donald Trump with a highly abbreviated version of an acceptance speech. I will be sending an invoice. Without further ado, I think something along these lines would work for him (Yes, I’m serious):

Friends, here we are in the beautiful city of Cleveland on a night where we stand together and begin the hard work of taking our country back. No kidding, we’re close, we’re so close.

Seeing you all at this convention is an amazing feeling. It’s like a bolt of lightning – the energy is so powerful. Cleveland is coming back, Ohio is coming back and America is coming back.

We’re all here for one very important reason: to stop our country from falling into the hands of Crooked Hillary Clinton and her gang of Washington insiders and Wall Street elites.

Boy, is she scared. She’s so scared, it’s pathetic. She can’t defend herself so she insults me. She says I’m offensive. I’m laughing ’cuz that’s all she’s got. It’s like being in the schoolyard again at recess. You’d get insulted and say ‘I’m rubber and you’re glue…’ Remember that?

Well guess what, Hillary, I’m rubber and you’re glue because you know what? You say I offend you? Well, here’s what offends me and what offends all of us:

Lying about your emails – that offends us!

Making it easy for hackers to steal top secret material – that offends us!

Letting Americans get killed on your watch – that offends us!

Being in bed with Wall Street bankers – that offends us.

You know, folks, when you think about it, there are so many people in the Clinton bed it’s a miracle that there’s any room left in there.

Let’s talk about her and terrorists. You think Crooked Hillary’s going to stop ’em? Like she stopped them in Benghazi? She had one shot – ONE – and she blew it, she blew it folks and people died. Crooked Hillary blew it folks.

When I’m in the White House we’re going after ISIS and we’re going after the terrorists. I’m running for president, which means that they better start running, too – running away! We’re coming for them.

We have the best military in the world and we’re going to let them loose to do the job they’re trained for. We’re going to find the terrorists. We’re going to kill them. And you know what else? When I’m president, we’re not going to apologize and say we’re sorry. Wah, wah, we’re so sorry for doing it! Those days are done, they’re so over. We’re coming back and we’re coming back strong.

To the military, I say that we honour you, your service, your families and your sacrifices. I take an oath that you will be taken care of the way you have taken care of us. I make a solemn pledge when your service to us ends … our service to you begins!

To the immigrants, I say that we want hard-working, honest men and women from the four corners of the world. We need you, we really do. Know this. America will lay out the welcome mat but we won’t be a door mat! Do things right, do things the right way, the legal way or go bye-bye!

To our allies and trading partners I say that America stands for fair trade. America remains open for business but the candy store is closed. It’s closed folks; go get your gumballs somewhere else. America’s back, we’re coming back and the rest of the world needs to know they have a partner in America but they don’t have a patsy!

This election is too important. The liberals want the Supreme Court to be their own personal playpen. We’ve known it for years and now Justice Darth Bader Ginsburg confirms it. She wants to move to New Zealand if I’m elected! Guess what, sweetheart? We all want you to move to New Zealand, too. The sooner the better!

We came to Cleveland from all different directions, from all over the country and we came with different opinions and different priorities. None of us agree on everything, none of us ever get everything we want. That’s life, that’s what comes from being a grown up.

But what’s important is not how we got here, it’s not important that we didn’t arrive here together. What’s important is that we leave here together, we leave here united, we march on towards November, we take our country back and we make the greatest country on earth even greater once again!

There you have it. I hope that, after this audition as his speechwriter, I will hear a slightly different version of the phrase for which he is most famous:

Hey, you – “You’re hired!”

Troy Media columnist Gavin MacFadyen is a U.S. based writer and occasional lawyer. Blending insight and wit, he brings a unique perspective to the issues of the day. Gavin is also included in Troy Media’s Unlimited Access subscription plan.

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