Reading Time: 3 minutes

Mike RobinsonAs I cooked my juicy Trump Steak over the hot flames of our backyard barbecue, I mused over our (I’m so lucky to be a dual citizen of U.S. and Canada!) new president’s assertions of America first, buy American and hire American, in his fantastic inauguration speech.

The American unemployment rate is at a terrible 4.7 percent (what did Barack Obama do all day? Sad.), real wages are rising (but nowhere near fast enough for me to be a billionaire!), the U.S. buck is the world’s go-to reserve currency (only because the other countries are so pathetic!), and the Dow Jones Industrial Average is flirting with 20,000 (it should be 40,000!).

President Donald Trump told us that the carnage will now stop and America will soon be great again. I’m so excited! What a fantastic time to be alive.

The way we’ll achieve our new greatness is simple: America will make very nice walls. They’ll be built of rebar and concrete to keep Mexicans out, and of tariffs and taxes to keep industrial competitors out.

I’m also eagerly expecting cultural walls to keep global artistic talent and entertainment out.

I’m not totally sure how all of these walls will work but they’ll be great.

No doubt a linguistic wall will keep America unilingually English. I expect a secretary of walls to be appointed to the White House cabinet soon. Ivanka Trump, such a beautiful daughter, would be great in this role. She would be, like, the most important secretary in the world then. She’s a very smart person and I’m sure has a very high IQ like her dad.

As a result of this wall construction, something magic will happen. Within the cloistered (sorry to use this big word but I paid $10 for it on confines of the walled kingdom, everyone will work (especially the 4.7 percent who are unemployed. Sad.), everyone will buy American, and everyone will feel great (imagine the healthcare savings!). Everyone will have their needs met by Americans, thinking American thoughts, in American English.

In this new world, a shopping trip to Walmart will be an exclusively American buy-athon. No more crappy Chinese plastic stuff. No more Levis dad jeans made in Egypt. No more chicken wings snuck in from Ontario. No more Leonard Cohen songs from Montreal. No more exotic, difficult-to-pronounce vegetables and grains from Mexico or Costa Rica or Peru. No more Apple devices made in China, either.

The only things you’ll be able to buy will be proper American things. And they’ll only be made by highly-rated talents; not overrated talents like Meryl Streep or Madonna. You know, celebs who think they’re smarter than us. Sad.

And out on the streets, inside the hallowed walls, the only vehicles will be American-made beauties. No more German Audis, VWs, Mercedes, BMWs or, God (this is not a swear!) forbid, Porsches. No more Camrys or Rogues or Coronas. No more Jaguars, Bentleys, Rolls-Royces or Land Rovers, either.

In their sad, loser places will thrive a new fleet of Ram Tough pickups, Ford F-150s, Cobalts, Escalades, Suburbans and Fiestas (isn’t that a Mexican word?). The Fiesta actually probably will be renamed the Melania, and the Yukon SUV will be renamed the Appalachia (if it’s not discontinued for being a loser SUV with a loser SUV name).

The roads will be beautiful when all our cars and trucks are American made.

And they’ll all run on tight-shale oil and gasoline from North Dakota, not dirty, loser, expensive oilsands gas from Alberta, Canada.

I’ll admit, the Canadian part of me (like I told you at the top, I’m a dual citizen, eh!) is a bit worried about what happens next. Like what if we can’t sell our oil, chicken wings, Yukons and French-language albums in the U.S.? I wonder if that will be a problem?

Probably we can still sell our stuff to other countries. But it might make more sense to simply join the Trump wagon train before it leaves for the new frontier.

I like the feeling of joining the winning side. You know, the side of the soldiers who didn’t get caught and imprisoned like John McCain.

I want to be a soldier for President Trump!

Mike Robinson has been CEO of three Canadian NGOs: the Arctic Institute of North America, the Glenbow Museum and the Bill Reid Gallery. Mike has chaired the national boards of Friends of the Earth, the David Suzuki Foundation, and the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society. In 2004, he became a Member of the Order of Canada.

© Troy Media

making america great

The views, opinions and positions expressed by columnists and contributors are the author’s alone. They do not inherently or expressly reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of our publication.