Yelling, regardless of how much you want to, is not an effective way to deal with the issue and will only make things worse
Have you ever had to hold a difficult conversation, the kind in which you have to get across a message that is very likely not going to be well received? (No, I’m not talking about explaining to your spouse why you spent all your retirement money backing your favourite hockey team, although that certainly falls…
When you change the context in which a behaviour occurs, the behaviour itself is transformed
How we deal with objections and problems is often just a matter of how we frame those problems. Our ability to quickly thin slice information can keep us alive by allowing our minds to make rapid assessments. But although this ability to spot patterns unconsciously has evolved as a valuable gift to communication, it has…
We have a tendency to fixate on the most devastating of critiques, rather than focusing on the ones that offer honest, objective and useful feedback
Is it just me or do others find themselves overly fixating on criticism about their performance? I wasn't sure I had a thick enough skin after the first reviews came in when I began speaking professionally (and I was in law enforcement at the time). I prepared, practised delivery and made every effort to ensure…
Fear has the power to hijack our thoughts and behaviours, even when a new path makes sense or is harmless
I’m often fascinated by how rigidly some folks cling to the familiar, especially when it comes to being asked to do something novel. Not something dangerous – just unfamiliar. In my former career, this came up a lot, with leaders standing up in meetings and asking for “out of the box thinkers.” Then they would point…
While not foolproof, these tips are strong indicators of possible deception
Here are my tips to help in spotting liars at work. 1. Begin with a baseline Spotting liars begins with observing a person’s baseline behaviour under relaxed or generally stress-free conditions so that you can detect meaningful deviations. One of the strategies that experienced interviewers use is to ask a series of simple questions while…
If we want to move past unrealized expectations in our lives, we have to forget the old script and craft a new one
The conflicts that rear up in our lives most often stem from unrealized expectations. Each of us has a script we follow, an expectation of how things are supposed to go. When our expectations aren’t met, we can be delighted by the change, significantly disappointed or even angered. When we head to a nice restaurant,…
Make today the day you pause, make eye contact and explore how to ease conflict and build a more connected community
There will never be a shortage of situations that put people in conflict with one another. From our strong opinions about the environmental impact of pipelines to the economics that drive decision-making. From differences of opinion about in-laws (and outlaws) to parenting to crime prevention and everything in between. Who owns the problem and how…
When conflicts create added pressure, focus on opportunities that promote a sense of belonging and a sense of significance within your relationship
The third instalment of the Fifty Shades of Grey movies was released in time for Valentine's Day. This has certainly been a catalyst for some pretty interesting conversations on respect, fidelity and experimentation. If your relationship is strong and boundaries are communicated well, experimentation can work. However, I tend to work with the fallout when…
Most conflicts would simply evaporate if everyone took the time to adhere to some simple and fundamental courtesies
Why are tenants and their allies already protesting landlords in Vancouver as 2018 dawns? They’re outraged that a landlord would have the audacity to apply for an eviction order to remove a tenant who hasn’t paid the rent. How inconsiderate of them. And a few of those landlords are trying to make repairs to their…
A bad joke or inappropriate comment is often just that: a bad joke or inappropriate comment. Calm down, and carry on
My old friend and colleague, Postmedia columnist Lorrie Goldstein, recently tweeted out, “The ‘new racism’? Apparently it’s something called ‘microaggressions.’” More specifically, it relates to “racial microaggressions,” a term coined by psychiatrist Chester M. Pierce in the 1970s. It was reintroduced by Columbia University psychologist Derald Wing Sue several years ago, after he and an…